When someone criticizes you,
accept it if it’s right and ignore it if it’s wrong.
There’s no reason to flip out.
The way your family was when you were little is not the way the world is now,
but you probably still assume that it is. Don’t.
Be a good person and choose one as your partner.
Insist on this for both of you.
Agree with other people 80% of the time, disagree with them 20% of the time.
The 80% makes them like you, the 20% makes them respect you.
Many people are attracted to dominant persons, who then treat them badly.
If this is you, look for someone who is strong rather than dominant.
Dominance is ‘I control you’, strength is ‘I control me’.
Strong people are harder to find because they’re quieter and less obvious,
but you will find them even more attractive.
Tell people who care about you how you feel.
They don’t have telepathy.
Tell your boss what your boss wants to hear.
If it’s not what you want to say, send out resumes.
Compromise with people who are cooperative;
assert yourself with people who are dominant.
Both will respect you.
Hold the person you’re attracted to accountable.
Don’t give them a pass because they’re hot.
Anger wants to punish, hatred wants to destroy.
Hesitate when you feel anger, stop yourself when you feel hate.
Don’t sleep too little, don’t eat too much.
Shame is when others think you’re bad; guilt is when you think you’re bad.
Separate them and do what you think is right.
If you’re always in the Friend Zone, don’t be so friendly.
Don’t dump on them or let them dump on you,
and always be prepared to walk away.
You want respect rather then gratitude
because you’re trying to be a partner, not a parent.
Keep a list in your mind of people to take care of.
Make sure your name is on the list.
When you have power over others, respect them.
Don’t be too selfish and don’t be too unselfish, just be fair.
With your kids, don’t be adult-centered and don’t be child-centered, just be fair.
Cruelty and selfishness are the two types of evil.
Beware of selfishness, it’s harder to spot.
It’s OK to be from Venus or Mars. Try not to be from Uranus.
Dr. Thomas B. Hollenbach's Simple Rules for Happiness are practical guidelines for dealing with emotions, relationships, conflict, self-care, and everyday life. They emphasize self-awareness, emotional regulation, mutual respect, healthy boundaries, and taking responsibility for your own choices. The rules are intended as practical suggestions rather than a formal treatment program or set of psychological prescriptions. They are part of ITI-NJ's broader Information & Self-Help resources, which provide educational information and practical ideas for understanding and managing common emotional and psychological concerns.
The rules are most useful when they are applied to specific situations rather than treated as a list to memorize. For example, you might pause before reacting in anger, communicate directly with people who matter to you, consider whether a criticism is valid, or ask whether your response fits the situation you are actually facing. Choosing one or two principles to practice at a time can make the ideas easier to apply consistently.
Emotions can provide important information and motivate us to act, but an emotional impulse does not always lead to the most helpful response. Learning to pause when you feel intense anger, resentment, fear, or another strong emotion can create an opportunity to consider what is happening and decide how you want to respond. Developing this ability can improve relationships, reduce unnecessary conflict, and help you make choices that are more consistent with your long-term goals. Individual Therapy can also provide a supportive setting for developing greater self-awareness and learning new strategies for managing emotional responses.
When someone criticizes you, it can be useful to consider whether there is something accurate or helpful in what they are saying before reacting emotionally. If the criticism is valid, you can learn from it; if it is unfair or inaccurate, you do not necessarily have to accept it as a judgment of your worth. Taking time to evaluate criticism rather than immediately becoming defensive can help you respond more calmly and constructively.
Healthy relationships require both connection and appropriate boundaries. Being cooperative and considerate does not mean allowing another person to control, mistreat, or take advantage of you. Similarly, having power or influence over someone else creates a responsibility to treat that person with respect. Healthy relationships generally involve balancing your own needs with consideration for the needs and dignity of other people. Therapy Services at ITI-NJ can help people develop greater self-awareness and skills for working through personal and relationship challenges.
People can sometimes respond to present situations as though they were experiencing something from the past. Earlier experiences can shape expectations, emotional reactions, and assumptions about other people. Recognizing when an old pattern may be influencing your response can help you pause, consider what is actually happening now, and choose a response that fits the present situation rather than automatically repeating an old pattern. Painful Emotions from the Past provides additional information about how earlier experiences may continue to influence emotions, thoughts, and behavior in the present.
Being strong involves having control over your own behavior, choices, and reactions, while being controlling involves trying to control another person's behavior or choices. Healthy relationships allow people to maintain their individuality while respecting one another. Learning to distinguish personal strength from dominance can help people make healthier choices about relationships and how they interact with others. To learn more about ITI-NJ and the people who provide its services, see About Us.
Yes. Practical strategies can help people become more aware of their emotional reactions, improve communication, establish healthier boundaries, and make more deliberate choices. Self-help strategies are not appropriate for every problem, however, and persistent or serious emotional difficulties may require professional support. ITI-NJ's Blog Posts include additional articles and ideas related to emotional well-being, relationships, coping, and mental health.
Self-help can be useful when a person is able to understand a problem and make meaningful changes independently. Professional therapy may be helpful when emotional difficulties are persistent, interfere with relationships or daily life, or are difficult to change despite a person's efforts. Individual therapy can provide a confidential setting for understanding emotional patterns, developing greater self-awareness, and working collaboratively toward meaningful changes.
The Information & Self-Help section provides general educational information and practical ideas, but it cannot determine what approach is appropriate for a particular person. If you would like to learn more about ITI-NJ's services or discuss whether professional help may be appropriate, you can contact the Institute's intake staff. They can discuss your concerns and help determine the appropriate next step based on your needs and the services you are seeking.
In our work with children, couples and adults, we strive to meet the needs that everyone has for validation and support while helping them to expand their self-awareness and the range of skills they employ to work out solutions to the problems they face in life. Our mission at ITI-NJ is to improve psychotherapy outcomes for all clients and families in the communities we serve and to provide excellent, quality care with compassion and respect for all we serve.
Visit our Therapy Services Overview page for more information.
